At the End. Yet at the Begining

As the year comes to an end I find myself deep in thought.  About the year gone by and the year ahead.   

I am struggling to wade through 1059 emails for work, have a desk and an office that is a disaster, clients and employees who need attention and  desperately wish that I had the time to dream of a tomorrow.  I know it is coming and I long to be able to dream of it.

They (whoever "they" are) always say we should live in the present.   I live in the present, the here, the now, the crisis of the day, the morning the afternoon, the hour and the minute.  In this day and age how can we escape the present?   It rings in on the crack'berry and the email ding that never stops.   They come in at 7pm, 9pm, 11pm, 6am, they never stop.  How's that for being present?   I got a call at 3:34am the other day, called 4 times; enough to get me out of bed thinking it was an emergency only to be hung up on.   I can remember what happened 10 years ago but so often forget the last 10 minutes of my life.  Then magically at 11pm I remember the 10 minutes that I has so easily been forgotten earlier in the day.   In the background of music I hear the ring or ding of the crack'berry, the computer email ding.   I often think I hear the crack'berry ring when in fact it is not.   

Is that an addiction?   Have I surpassed an alcohol addiction for one of crack'berry?     Is it plugged in?   Is the sound on?  Did I turn it off before I walked into the meeting?  Did I turn the sound back on after the meeting?   Did I get a new email?    Did I get a call?   Who was it?  Is is good news or bad news?  A happy client or a mad client?   Is it another crisis or is someone happy today?   Oh it's a fucking telemarketer, calling me on my cell phone.    Along with all the other calls and emails that came in on the damn thing.     I am addicted to it, I can't put it down or turn it off.  I never leave the house without it, matter of fact I treat it with as much care and love as I do for my dogs.   I clean it, charge it, love it, and hate it when it does bad things. 

A year of crack'berry and my personal addiction to it.  

We have an EAP at work, I wonder if there is a support group for Crack'berry addictions?   Would they deem me crazy?   How many of us are addicts?    

Hi, My name is Christie and I am an addict, a crack'berry addict.   This is hard for me to admit this now, in front of you, today.  I am also addicted to work.  It lives with me.  Day and night. It lies in wait, behind every door, in every drawer.  I feel guilt if I walk past it.   If I take a few minutes to water the plants, pet the dogs... it calls my name lying in wait around every corner.    

Ok I said it.

Is this what it is like to be addicted to something?  A pull so strong that you can't stop?   An urge to take one last look at it?   Check it just in case?   

That is what I am thinking about tonight as one year ends and the next soon begins.     I am not sure that is what the end of the year should be remembered by.   So I sit and ponder how I ended up here in crack'berry hell?    Is it something I can over come?  Has anyone else been able to overcome the power of it?  Am I alone?  Are there more of us out there?  Are they seeking treatment yet? Was it successful?

There are so many other parts of my life that are far more important, they deserve more attention then they are getting.    Is that how New Year Resolutions are born?    I don't usually make resolutions but this year may be different.    I am back to making a list. So far it is a bizarre list.  I have a notebook that I add to when things interest me.  It is full of a year of notes from things I read, heard, saw or just thought of.  I pulled a few things from it to remind me of a year. 

Some of them may make sense to you others only to me and Grover ate a few along the way.

• Family, Friends
• Carolyn Myss
• Negative to positive
• Birds
• Ellie, Jet  Grover
• Brain Tanning
• Are horrible things good things?
• Camera
• conscienceness, Quantum Physics
• Side roads
• Decisions made based on fear?  What compels me enough to break through fear? Am I afraid? 
• F Stop - a good explanation of it? 
• Nerite Snails
• Bamboo fiber
• 1295 a day
• APD
• Downsizing my life, my belongings: Simplify, less complicated, less stuff
• Tomatoes, blueberries, potting bench, Raised beds
• Giving 
• Alaska
• Tomorrow
• MC
• Primal Pet Foods
• Hampshire Timber Frame cottage 1400
• Dig deep and move forward
• Measure 100 times, buy once
• South Dakota
• Thankful everyday

I have to admit that there is one great thing over the last year I have done for myself. I took the time each day to focus on it.   I did not realize how important it was to me until I started getting close to the end.   It gave me back a power and belief in myself that I had somehow lost along the way.   I now wake up feeling like a new person, embarrassed that I grew so far away from myself and did not realize where I had ended up.  But even with my crack'berry addiction I managed to find a very important part of myself that had slipped away.  

Me.  I found me, the old me.  The me I know I am.  The me that drives me.  The me that even drove me to my addiction.  But it is me I found.   I am not sure I know me any more, but I found me.    I think the new year will be spent figuring out just who that me is.    It may have to wait patiently as the crack'berry rings in or the email dings again but it will not be forgotten, not for one day or one minute.

So as the year closes, I am me again.  And for 2008 and for me; I am thankful.

Comments

[Lynnie]

Great, honest, rant. Welcome back.